Check me out every week as a I break down some of the most entertaining stories from NBA Twitter. This week’s theme: getting my wife to watch basketball.
My wife and I don’t have very many common interests. The only things that we do together that we both enjoy are eating and playing Mario Kart. Otherwise it’s, “If you go hiking with me, then I’ll watch a whole basketball game with you.” Now, I’ve been to my fair share of yoga classes, but I don’t think she’s ever seen a whole basketball game. (She always looks so bored. I don’t have the heart to tell her there are two halves.)
I don’t NEED my wife to enjoy basketball, but it would be nice if she understood why I intermittently yell things like “BOX OUT” and “YOU’RE NOT LUKA” at the TV. I’ve got to find some common ground with her. She’s very much into spirituality and wellness. (No, YOU’RE basic.) Until Lululemon becomes an official sponsor of the NBA, I’m going to have to show her the other ways the NBA has embraced the Whole Foods movement.
Marianne Williamson Takes Over LeBron James’ Twitter Account
This tweet looks like Instagram influencer mad libs. I (stupidly) did not peg LeBron to be a big winter solstice guy. What if that’s actually where he derives his power from. Maybe that’s why it seems like he doesn’t try for the first two months of the season. Then, he peaks in June right before the summer solstice. Someone needs to look into this.
After the Los Angeles Lakers win the championship again, every yoga instructor in Santa Monica is going to be quoting this tweet, “Warrior one, everyone! Reach your highest vibration, just like LeBron.” Then, my wife is going to tell me about it and take it as a sign to try and make me go to yoga, so this one may actually backfire.
Enes Kanter Turns Over a New Leaf
Watching just one of those factory farming documentaries is no joke. It may not turn you into a vegetarian, but your next burger will definitely be unpleasant. It sounds like Enes Kanter had a lot of free time, so he fell all the way down the (free-range) rabbit hole. I’m surprised he hasn’t been sneaking into Tyson farms and freeing all the chickens. Although, he is wearing a suit made of lettuce, so maybe he’s doing enough.
Special shout out to his true friends: They were very concerned about veganism affecting his ability to rebound because they know that’s literally the only thing keeping him in the league.
(Mini vegan rant: I don’t mind vegans but don’t try to tell me your food is a meatless version of something good. Why set yourself up for disappointment? Just tell me it’s black beans and cremini mushrooms. I don’t need to pretend it’s a burger. That’d be like if I tried to sell you Dario Saric as a vegan Nikola Jokic. Yeah, maybe if I squint, their games look similar, but once I see Dario play, I’m just hungry for more.)
My wife wants to be a vegan so bad, but she’s already acquired a taste for sour cream so that’s unlikely. Plus, I don’t think that making her go vegan or making me watch Enes Kanter play defense is going to make anyone happy. (I actually love Kanter. He helped me win a fantasy championship. Go Enes Envy!)
Kyrie Irving Tests the Smoke Alarm
My wife informs me that Kyrie Irving is actually smudging, the Native American practice of burning sage to “cleanse the energy”. I’m pretty sure that Native Americans started doing this just to keep the mosquitoes away, but who’s to say? Although, if energies are a thing, then Kyrie’s going to have to do a lot more than that to cleanse the palettes of Boston fans. Get that man some crystals, essential oils, and maybe an epsom salt bath.
Irving says he plans to smudge before every game. Maybe he’s just trying to summon Steve Nash’s inner Phil Jackson. With how Irving has been playing to start the year, I wouldn’t be surprised if the Brooklyn Nets had a sage giveaway night once fans are allowed back in the arena. Instead of the fans chanting DE-FENSE in crunch time, it’ll be eerily quiet as smoke slowly rolls onto the court. Now, THAT’s a home court advantage.
The only drawback to this one is that I absolutely cannot stand the smell of sage. Whatever positive energy my wife thinks it’s bringing in is quickly expelled by my stank face. However, if there’s sage and a basketball court, one man can’t be too far behind…
Do yourself a favor right now and just watch Bill Walton on YouTube. This is a man who: asked his broadcasting partner whether he had ever been milked, suggested Barack Obama be the next coach of UCLA, and spent a whole quarter detailing the intricacies of making Kombucha. (One of those isn’t true, but I’ll let you figure out which one.) I got stuck in the YouTube algorithm vortex, binged all his videos, and I came out a better man. Bill Walton is the factory farming to my Enes Kanter. (What?) Bill Walton is the pinnacle of human evolution.
When Walton starts doing a little word association, it’s like Zion Williamson jumping for an alley-oop. Everyone gets out of their seat with bated breath ready for something spectacular to happen. And just like Zion seems like he may never land, Walton seems like he may never stop talking.
Walton went on for a whole minute about biking through the mountains to Pasadena. I never wanted it to end. I even forgot there was a basketball game going on, and that’s the point. If I can just get my wife to start listening to Bill Walton wax poetic about all the different types of mushrooms along the Pacific coastline, then I might be able to trick her into watching a whole game without even realizing it. It’ll be like those people who try to learn a new language subliminally by listening to lessons while they sleep.
This is how to get my wife (or really anyone) interested in basketball. Bill Walton is the answer. He was always the answer.
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