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The Golden Knights As… Super Mario Stars

Image: BVM Sports

In case you’ve lived under a cave, The Super Mario Bros. Movie is out right now and it’s generating millions of dollars. In fact, it recently passed a billion dollars, making it the highest-grossing movie of 2023 so far. For a film that hasn’t even seen a video-on-demand release yet, that’s amazing.

Therefore, we shall have a little fun with our favorite Italian plumber today. We’re going to look at where the Vegas Golden Knights fit in the Mushroom Kingdom. Let’s-A Go!

Mario: Mark Stone

A captain needs to be fearless and lead by example, similar to the beloved Nintendo mascot. Such a person should also be extremely good at his job. Whether that’s saving the princess or scoring goals, that person should be elite.

Enter Mark Stone. You won’t find a guy who produces in a pinch (73 goals, 130 assists during his Vegas tenure), is a sound leader, and doesn’t cower when people come after him like Stone. Maybe we could leave Chris Pratt with Mario and have someone else play Stonie in a movie about the Golden Knights.

Luigi: Chandler Stephenson

Luigi is usually forgotten by the public, with people not realizing how important the green plumber truly is. That’s what Chandler Stephenson is. He makes the Vegas attack better, comes through when needed, and plays like Mark Stone’s brother.

Granted, Stephenson isn’t as cowardly as Mario’s brother, nor can he jump as high. Still, the 2023 All-Star proves to be a worthy sidekick of the captain, bolstering the Golden Knights in many facets.

Peach: Jack Eichel

Buffalo fans will say Jack Eichel is Princess Peach because he acts like a diva.

“He CaUsEd ToO mUcH tRoUbLe In BuFfAlO,”

“He CoMpLaInEd ToO mUch,”

What they don’t understand is Jack Eichel brings out the best in his teammates. Much like Peach in The Super Mario Bros. Movie, Jack Eichel brings his team to the next level. Whether it’s 5-on-5 or the Power Play, the former No. 2 pick rules in more ways than one.

Plus, you can’t deny how Eichel takes matters into his own hands. Just watch him pickpocket Connor McDavid for an empty-net goal. Like Peach in the movie, Eichel is an ambitious leader that betters his team.

Donkey Kong: Phil Kessel

Everyone loves someone with a fun personality, especially if they’ve been in the business for a while. The NHL’s Iron Man is a beloved figure in hockey circles the same way Donkey Kong is beloved in video games. That’s especially true since Phil Kessel’s the only NHL player to play in 1,000 or more consecutive games.

Plus, Kessel loves hot dogs the same way Donkey Kong loves bananas. You gotta have a food-related love, right? I don’t think Phil the Thrill can make his pecs dance the way Donkey Kong can in The Super Mario Bros. Movie, though.

Toad: Jonathan Marchessault

Toad kicks butt in many ways, proving to be more valuable than people think. Jonathan Marchessault is like Toad, proving to be an offensive force (150 goals, 198 assists in his Vegas tenure). In fact, the former Panther had only one season with less than 20 goals with the Golden Knights.

Another way Toad’s like Marchessault is he’s a bit of a misfit. Much like Vegas’s beloved Misfit Line member, our mushroom hero makes his presence known everywhere he goes. Plus, he’s explored his way through the NHL the same way Toad’s explored the Mushroom Kingdom.

Yoshi: William Karlsson

Yoshi always proves to be a reliable ally in the Super Mario games. Whether you need to soar through the skies or get past a pit, the green dinosaur’s there for Mario.

William Karlsson’s shown his worth as a worthy member of the Misfit line. From his 43-goal season in Vegas’s inaugural season to his valuable leadership, you can always count on Karlsson to deliver like Yoshi.

Wario: Alec Martinez

Wario has a robust body that can take anything. When I say anything, I mean ANYTHING. Take his Wario Land games as an example. The guy can’t die or even take damage.

Alec Martinez is like everyone’s favorite anti-hero in a sense. Not that Martinez eats a ton of garlic and passes gas so much. It’s that the former Stanley Cup winner is the NHL leader in blocked shots (244). He takes so many shots that even Wario would blush.

Waluigi: Alex Pietrangelo

Much like Martinez is Wario, Alex Pietrangelo is Waluigi. He’s an elite defenseman that knows how to clog shooting lanes. With 177 shots blocked this season, Pietrangelo makes life hard for opposing forwards the same way Waluigi makes life hard for… everyone.

Another dynamic of Pietrangelo’s game is his offensive prowess. The former Blue has 43 assists this season, making him a threat on both sides of the ice. In a way, Pietrangelo is “number one” like Waluigi.

Bowser: Logan Thompson

You need an imposing force in the net that doesn’t let too many goals in. He must be a sizable body that has the ability to steal a game… or a princess… or a kingdom. That’s where Logan Thompson comes in.

Thompson’s acrobatic goaltending style causes chaos on the ice, burning forwards and defensemen everywhere. The 2023 All-Star showed his worth as Robin Lehner’s replacement, with a nice save percentage of .915 (11th in the NHL) and two shutouts. Now that’s frighteningly good.

I don’t think Thompson has a love interest that he’d sing about. Although if he was on a piano belting out “PEACHES” during the All-Star Break, that’d be pretty good (like his goaltending).

Magikoopa: Shea Theodore

Magikoopa has magical powers that can make life easier for the Koopalings. As seen in The Super Mario Bros. Movie, our wizardly koopa knows how to control anything in his path.

Like Magikoopa, Shea Theodore can read a play well and make necessary adjustments. He’s one of the better two-way defensemen in the NHL, bolstering an incredible passing ability to boot.

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